Longing
by DrGr
Summary: Years had passed since Jack left Riverport all alone. He used to be blind to the future and never look back. But time changes everything.
"You own the only thing I can't control, Jack. My heart." Paul said with a bitter and vulnerable smile. At that very moment Jack had finally realized that there it was – the point of no return. But before that...

A couple of days ago Jack finally returned to his hometown. He explained it by the longing to get on the road again, by staying in Bangkok for far too long, by the possibility to transfer a few things across the US board and get the fast buck. The real reason though was the one he would not admit to himself so easily - there was no word from Paul since April. Five months of complete silence.

Jack decided it was a sign, so he bought a first class ticket to Riverport. It would be his first return home after almost six years of roaming all over Oriental countries. Did he feel any nostalgic twitch? None. He was going to return as easily as he once had departed. At that point he had planned it as a vacation twisted with a business trip plus an opportunity to hit good old American bars. Given circumstances Jack only sent a short notice to William telling that he'd be around for some time and wished to talk.

Riverport welcomed Jack with its busy airport and annoying traffic jams. It was no more a peaceful town of his childhood but an innovative city, a "center of science" as it was written on one of the large billboards. As far as he was able to catch on, Riverport held a big industrial expo. All the ads in the city pictured happy nerds with various not-so-interesting slogans and a black-yellow logo of the grand sponsor - Monarch Solutions. It was a bit unnerving to see Riverport like this - not matching to all those memories he held dear. While the taxi was taking him to the down-town, Jack absorbed this new cityscape.

Jack never knew he would return to a completely new place. It took him a whole day to explore the city - the flourishing Riverport University, growing business center, polished down-town with a bunch of new malls. The pictures of the past were thrown to the city dump. It was as if Riverport decided to avenge Jack for staying away from home for too long.

His deal, on the contrary, went really well. Jack even got a couple of new connections because of the upcoming expo. Bless it or damn it. It was the same day William called asking whether he was already in the city, so Jack didn't have any more excuses to set their reunion aside. That's how they ended at one of the old bars - mostly because Jack felt uneasy about visiting their old house so soon, and Will didn't insist on it.

Their meeting started off really well, to Jack's surprise. William hadn't changed that much - still the same geek buried deep in his clever explorations, not leaving his laboratory for weeks. Will was definitely happy to see Jack and it felt so reassuring that Jack decided he would try to forget about the distance between them.

For a couple of hours they just sat drinking and chatting about everything and anything - William's projects and ideas, Jack's lifetime and jobs at East, how life changed in Riverport, and once again about William's ideas, when Will stated all of a sudden:

"You didn't come here to visit your older brother, did you?" A calm smile on his lips.

"Yes and no, Will. " Jack felt a bit guilty about his older brother. "I just had some business here, felt a little nostalgic and... "

"It's about Paul. " Will said watching how Jack cautiously put his glass of beer on the table. "You haven't said a word about him since we met though you two were joined at the hip before your leave.

Jack got his breath back and looked William straight in the eye. Here it was, the moment of truth.

"You know I've been in contact with him during all this years. E-mail, rare skype calls. Paul was my only connection to the past."

Once he started speaking Jack couldn't stop. The words stuck in his throat for a long time finally broke out. He tried to reach Paul starting from the very arrival, but it was in vain. Jack only managed to find out that Paul was some major player in Monarch Solutions. "Sorry, Will. He was my family back then. Writing to him was like a ritual. Whenever I had any troubles he always would find right words. But then he was gone, no letters, nothing. I've got a good job offer and decided... Okay, I decided I should come and find him, and there was that job. "

"St. Paul," William laughed lightly with a crooked smile, "turned out to be someone else. "

"What d'you mean?" Jack jerked up his head and stared at William.

"Time changes everything, Jack. It's only logical that your ways parted," William shrugged and looked away. "I was engaged in some project with Paul as a lead some time ago. He's not a patch on his former troublemaker self. Paul grew up to be a successful man, purposeful, bright. As I heard from a colleague, he was recently appointed to the position of BU Head of research department. The upcoming exposition is solely Paul's achievement. Maybe the work just sucked him in completely."

"Still there is no way he'd disappear all of a sudden without a word." Jack listened carefully to what William had to say, but he couldn't believe that was the reason. "It's not like him at all. Paul was always a workaholic in some way."

"I'll give you that one!" Will was a bit drunk already and snorted funny. "He had a crush on you. Even after you went exploring the world let alone the time you two spent getting into trouble all over the USA.

Jack eyed William carefully, realization slowly building in his mind.

"Who on earth would keep that ram statuette on their table through all these years along with your joint photo?" Will proceeded half-closing his eyes as he would always do when trying to remember something. "I would get ideas even if I never knew who you were."

Jack kept silence, Will's words were echoing through his head. He had never looked at things from such perspective. The thought that Paul could feel differently never ever crossed Jack's mind. Was he absorbed in his own life and emotions that much? Even William had been more observant. Jack didn't know how to react. He had suddenly felt a strong urge to return to his quiet hotel room and reconsider everything. After such talk he needed some fresh air and lots of space.

Will sighed and patted Jack lightly on the shoulder bringing him back to reality.

"I don't know how you managed to stay that naïve, keeping in mind your activities."

"I need to talk to him." That was all Jack managed to utter.

"Can't help you here, Jack." William looked a bit sad. "After I dropped out of the project I never wanted to contact anyone from Monarch again, including Paul."

"How come you didn't have his number, William?" Jack shook his head still unable to grasp the whole new picture of the world.

"You tell me, Jack," Will grinned. "How come you don't even have an invitation to Paul's event?"

"Oh, fuck off." Jack muttered. That's what he wanted to find out himself along with other... circumstances.

They sat in silence for a while, each of them deep in their own thoughts, before William coughed and said all of a sudden:

"It's me who has to be sorry, Jack. For ditching you and putting that much stress onto you when we were children."

Jack left the empty glass, the cash and hugged his brother heartily before heading out of the bar. "You helped me already in some way, Will. Thank you."

"Jack, wait a moment." William rummaged in his wallet and placed an invitation card on the table. "Take this and go talk to him. He is your friend first of all. Everything else doesn't matter."

Jack nodded and hid the card in the inner pocket of his jacket.

Jack was neither an overthinking person, nor someone fond of self-reflection. By the time he got to a hotel room, his head was already going to explode. He collapsed onto the bed and shut his eyes with a quiet moan. The reception dedicated to the exposition opening was planned for tomorrow. Not so much time left to bring his thoughts in order.

He avoided thinking about Paul till next day. In the morning Jack jumped out of the bed and went roaming through the city, his mind blank. Suddenly he found himself at the bank of the river in the suburbs of Riverport. That very place he loved visiting together with Paul and a couple of other friends to have barbeque. When did it start? Jack watched the river as it slowly rolled its waters to the ocean and remembered his own anniversary. The year he turned twenty-one they had thrown a big party, even Will attended. Paul helped him organize everything, as always. They were up all night and Jack got dead drunk. Next day he felt totally shattered and wasted, and Paul took care of him all day long making jokes about Jack's behavior. They would talk about their plans on "conquering the world" - seeing all the states, living on the road for some time. Just the two of them. No, it must have been earlier, Jack thought walking along the river. They went to different schools but Paul always helped him with homework. Jack had a part-time job and couldn't keep up with the class. High school would have been a pure hell if Paul hadn't been there for him. They used to stay late at Paul's house studying, Jack nearly lived there during their last school years. He knew Paul was studying up for business school exams; it had to be hard on him because sometimes he seemed more dead than alive, but he never turned his back on Jack. His memories were full of Paul. There were so many things they had tried out together for the first time. So many moments: happy, sad, funny. Jack thought he knew Paul inside out. He never wondered what kept them that close for so long. It was just like Paul to be persistent and patient and eventually get what he wanted, but why did they end up here then..?

Jack decided to go to the event straight after the walk - he hated to dress up, especially when there was no dress-code. So he showed William's invitation card to the security and got swiftly into the lobby of the event location, filled by the mixed crowd. But he had no idea where to find Paul. According to William, Paul was one of the top managers at Monarch Solutions. Jack doubted that a person like that would hang out with the rest. But Paul he used to know or rather remembered never went big on ranking. Jack slid through the lobby trying to find a way around the reception. He already made it to the buffet table in order to grab a flute-glass when he caught a glimpse of familiar smile. Just a short distance away Jack saw Paul Serene shaking hands with some Chinese scientists or whoever they were, and smiling widely to everyone. Paul looked older compared to the picture stored in Jack's mind; he had a tailored suit on, and his hair was disheveled elegantly. But, on the other hand, the way he moved and tilted his head slightly hadn't changed at all. Jack had his eyes glued to his friend for what felt like eternity. But then Paul turned around and settled his gaze on Jack, and the smile froze on his lips. It was once again a fucking bullet time moment during which they stared at each other, and Jack was afraid that Paul would just ignore him.

"It's so not like you to stare silently, Jack." The next second he was hugged warmly by Paul and could only hug him back. Well-timed replies started to be a real problem for Jack recently. "Or should I refer to you as William taking into account what's written on your invitation?"

"I'm happy to see you, Paul. " Jack answered bluntly eyeing up his long-time friend. Was he the same Paul he once left behind? He was not sure anymore.

"My, my…" Paul Serene tilted his head studying Jack's face in return. "Would you give me fifteen minutes to say hello to some really important guests? Then I'm all yours."

"S-sure thing. " Jack's mouth suddenly went dry. It was just a cliché, he assured himself. Paul must have noticed that Jack was not happy with the whole situation, and that's all.

Paul left looking even bolder then before. It reminded Jack of old times and how Paul strived to become someone important, someone in charge. It seemed like Will was right in many ways. Time never stood still. While waiting for Paul's return Jack helped himself on champagne. Maybe that was not the best idea, but it did calm the nerves because these bloody fifteen minutes passed far too slowly.

"Jack!" Paul waved him from the wide staircase leading to the upper floor. And when Jack approached, he suggested: "Let's go to my suit. I'm lucky to have one since I'm opening the exposition tomorrow and have to be sober and combat-ready."

Paul smiled to him warmly leading Jack upstairs and through the passages of the venue. He asked how Jack's flight was and inquired what he thought of the new Riverport city. Jack couldn't help but answer curtly - he was too busy trying to figure out his own feelings. Paul didn't expect to see him but he seemed happy. Or was he just faking it? Those months of silence didn't go unnoticed.

Once they were finally alone and comfortably sitting on the couch Paul sighed wearily.

"I'm sorry." He looked Jack straight in the eye. "I know you have many questions. And I'm ready to give the answers, Jack."

"You bet." Jack rolled his eyes. "You just ignore me for months and then act as if nothing happened. Even Will knows more about your life and everything… And you've never told me you worked together, or about the whole Monarch thing. You practically are a president of US and I don't even know. I even didn't get a bloody invitation to your event!It's really frustrating, Paul... As if you erased me from your life.

Maybe that was too much for a start, but once Jack said it all out loud he felt much better and bitter at the same time. He really missed Paul and their good old times together. "I can't even tell if you are the same Paul I know." Jack finished. Maybe it sounded really stupid but he couldn't help it.

"It's still me, Jack." Paul looked sadly at Jack, no trace of self-confidence left in his eyes. "And you are right about everything, but it is too complicated…"

"Then make it simple, Paul," Jack cut off impatiently. "Just tell me what's going on! Maybe I'm not the smartest one here, but I'm sure it's not this business crap that you're so fond of."

"So you want it? The truth." Paul's piercing gaze set on the other man and sent goosebumps down Jack's spine. Jack swallowed nervously and nodded. "Okay then."

Paul got up and headed to the bar to pour himself a drink. Then he started:

"I used to be a loner before we became close friends, and I knew I could only rely on myself. That was bigger than me. The unbreakable rule of my life. You might remember my old folks, Jack? I was awfully afraid to live an unexciting life like they did. My parents had never messed with me, as well as they weren't interested in my future. So it was up to me to end my life in the boondocks or find my own way around." Paul paced across the room restlessly and went on speaking. "I was left to myself… Maybe that's why we ended up together. Two lonely boys in the big world. At that point I had already made a "big plan for my entire life" – brilliant grades, business school, career and etc. No ifs and buts. I had been growing up pretty sure that I could control everything in my life. And as you can see I have been quite successful in it. With a single exception."

Paul fell silent and suddenly came close to Jack searching for an eye contact.

"It's you." There was so much longing in Paul's eyes it gave Jack cold shivers. He once again didn't know how to react. Our life was always a pure chaos, Jack. We were poles apart but still clung together. And I liked that. I knew it would end one day but I couldn't help falling into this chaos."

"Why didn't you tell me, Paul?" Jack just had to ask something. Anything. They had been close friends for years but this was the first time they got really intimate about their own relationship. It felt awkward to the bone.

"You know… I was scared of ruining everything. It's been my darkest nightmare – to lose you and our friendship." Paul looked away and sighed. "That's why I was just floating down the stream."

"Until I left the States." Jack leaned forward and caught Paul's hand, pulling him down on the couch. The warm sensation of his skin was familiar and calming. Jack wanted to show Paul that he would stick by him no matter what.

"Yeah." Paul squeezed the other man's hand like a lifeline. "Then you decided to travel all over the world. I thought it would be easier after you left. I Thought my life would become an organized cycle of events as I once had planned. But I was mistaken from the very beginning. There is always an "if" in anyone's life. Something no one can overcome. "He took a deep breath and looked at Jack." You happen to be mine… You own the only thing I can't control, Jack. My heart." Paul said with a bitter and vulnerable smile.

At that very moment Jack finally realized that there it was – the point of no return. If he choose to live the life he was used to, it would mean losing Paul. Once he would leave this room their bond would fall into pieces leaving them all alone. Jack couldn't imagine his life without Paul. He was Jack's home and family, the only stable thing in his life. Paul was much more to him than just a good friend, otherwise Jack would have never crossed half of the world just to make sure he was still needed.

Jack's thoughts must have reflected in his eyes because Paul didn't ask him a single question, just put his hands around Jack to bring the other man closer. Their faces were inches away now. Jack shut his eyes and leaned forward seeking more contact. He could feel warm breath on his lips and heard a short sigh before Paul bent down to kiss him.

When Jack closed his eyes and relaxed into the embrace Paul knew he won. And it was well worth the wait. All these years, all this time. Straight from that night after the funeral when Jack cried his eyes out and Paul simply hugged him until he had fallen asleep. That very night he decided he would stay with Jack forever or rather never let him go. He was always sure to be there for Jack. Day by day. At all counts. He made every effort to become Jack's special someone. All in all Paul Serene always got what he wanted.


End file.
